Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
