My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
