my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
