You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
