Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
