mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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