I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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