I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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