If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
