i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
