I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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