connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
