I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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