Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
