the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
