First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
