Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
