If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
