I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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