A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
