Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
