I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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