If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
