i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Randomize
