Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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