i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
