A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
