I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
