Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
