Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
