i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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