My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
