Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
