I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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