what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
