The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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