Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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