Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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