Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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