my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
