FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
