eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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