this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize