I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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