I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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