Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
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I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
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Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize