are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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