Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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