There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
