Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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