I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
