I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
