we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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