I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
