What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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