Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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