I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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