Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
