If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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